Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. After reading about child development and how critical first 5 years of a child’s life were for child development, I knew I was going to be at home with them. With my first 2 kids I did just that. I took care of my home, the kids, my ex husband and honestly loved every minute of it. I was really happy, but I was lucky.

Not everyone finds it fulfilling or desires to stay at home. The cost of day care is so high that many families can not afford for one person to go back to work after they have 2 or more children as daycare would cost more then the income that person would bring in. Regardless if you are loving it or feeling stuck, there are some issues that affect the self esteem of stay at home moms. I want to discuss this today in hopes it will help even one dad understand how his wife feels or help a mom feel better about herself.

Stay at home moms and self esteem: The issues

I have prepared a list of possible issues. Not every mom feels this way and I am not presuming to speak for all moms. This is just a list of issues that I have seen dealt with by fellow stay at home moms. Another mom might find 1, 5 or none of these issues affecting them while another might feel all the issues concern her.

Loss of identity: The first thing people often ask in an introduction is “what do you do?” Most women are in the work force before they have their first child. I used to happily tell people I was a Rehabilitation Instructor for people who were blind and visually impaired. I went to 2 different post graduate institutions to achieve this title and I was very proud of it. I was also proud of what I accomplished and contributed to the community within my chosen profession. When you are a stay at home (SAHM), announcing this to strangers did not make me feel good. Yes, I personally felt being a SAHM was important and had great value but in that situation, it did not feel that important or valued. I found myself saying, I am at home with the kids now, but I used to be a…… Really? What did it matter? To me, it was part of my identity. Who are you? I am “just a mom” ended up being what I said. I regret that. I feel like women should make proud announcements. I am the CEO of my own company. I am the proud mom of 4 children, or I am part of an International Collective of Woman working to improve the world. Say anything, just own it and be proud because what you are doing is important.

Condescension: This follows my first point. There are a group of people that do not hold being a SAHM as important as I do. This is very clearly communicated when being introduced to some people. When asked what do you do, if you answer “teacher”, the new person might follow up with “where or what grade”? How do you like it?” If you answer SAHM, some people look down and away, say oh or even change the subject. I can tell you that does not make you feel proud of your job. There are a group of working people that think being a SAHM is a lazy, easy job and we can easily feel less proud in that moment if that sentiment is expressed.

Guilt: Often times, there is the feeling of guilt with not working. I think it stems from the first 2 issues on my list. Many stay at home moms have to keep a tight budget as their husband is supporting their family on one income. When times are tough and your bank account is empty, SAHM’s often feel guilty that they are not contributing to the bank account. If there is only a bit of money, often we spend it on clothes for the kids or soccer. There is not a big budget for new shoes, new haircuts and fashionable clothes so we feel guilty if we buy an extras.

No feeling of accomplishment/recognition: Unfortunately, after cleaning the entire house, by the time I get back to the first room I cleaned, it’s a mess again. Children are like tornadoes. After cleaning for 4 hours, I do not look around and think “wow, look at what a good job I did”! I do not get a feeling of accomplishment when I teach my child to use their manners or use a fork. When other  parents complete a project at work or get a promotion, this helps their self esteem and makes them feel worthy and proud. Unfortunately, my husband does not send out an email telling everyone how well I folded the laundry the other day. This is made worse when things do not go well like your house being clean for only one second and nobody really noticing or caring. Now I am not saying I want a plaque for being the Best Coupon Clipper but what I am saying is there is no form of recognition for being a SAHM, no fancy job title, no bonuses, raises or promotions to help our self esteem.

Appearance:  So, you are going to music class in your old clothes that do not fit, in an old dye job, in a messy bun with no makeup on because really, why put on makeup for one hour in public? Then there is the baby weight, stretch marks and wrinkles. What did my baby do to my body? Not feeling put together or attractive does not help the self esteem either. Especially with the women in movies and magazines so skinny and put together all the time. I put on clean pants every morning but by 9:00 am, there is diaper cream, bananas and some other foreign substance on them. I never change…

Your own: When you are at home with young children, you can not even pee alone. You share your office (your home), usually even your bedroom. You really do not have anything that is just yours. Even your kids belong 50% to another person in most cases. Not having a career, a project, an award that is just your own can also affect your self esteem.

Judgments: So now our self esteem is low, we start fearing judgment on our performance as moms. The first thing judgement starts with if you are breast feeding or bottle-feeding.  Mamas often feel that people do not think bottle feeding is good enough. We fear other people are judging our parenting, our choices and our kids. Often, it is just our imagination but sometimes we worry about it all the same. We can also compare ourselves to the very pretty, skinny mom that looks like they have it all together.

Ways stay at home moms can improve their self esteem

1. Spend some money on your hair or a nice outfit if you can. If you feel more confident, you will feel better about yourself. We tend to feel all wonky after a baby. Make a goal to put on mascara or earrings, something to make you feel good even if you are just going to yoga.
2. Go out with your partner for a date night (or with a friend if you are single). The intimacy you share on a date will make you feel desirable and closer to your partner which will help your self esteem. It will also help your relationship
3. Have a positive mindset. Choose not to feel guilty about staying home to raise your kids. Choose not to care about other’s judgement or opinions. You are doing something amazing, so you need to be proud of it.
4. Do something just for you, that is “your own”. Take up curling, a fitness class, take a crocheting class, join a book club or volunteer.  You might even try writing a blog! This will give you time to be yourself, not someone’s mom. You will get to be with other adults and not talk about kids. You will have something to be proud of and a sense of accomplishment for doing it.

This is why I originally signed up for my first side gig or business. I started something that was just mine and the little bit of money I made back then made me feel like I had accomplished something. The extra money allowed me to get my hair done and buy some new clothes. When working, I got to meet new people and get out of the house.

Whatever you choose, find something that works for you and your family, something that brings you joy and something that improves your self esteem. I wish you all luck on this journey!

What do you do to feel better, to improve your self esteem or make you feel more like you?

Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. Many of my friends were more career oriented but this has always been my dream. I love the first few years of a child’s life. Children learn so much in this time and it is important to me to be a part of it. Toddlers and young children find so much joy in the little things they experience, it is truly refreshing. I also really like baking, crafts, the park and all the assorted baby and toddler activities.  I am a bit of a nerd that way.

After my divorce, I had to go return to work to support myself and my kids. My youngest Kaede, was 4 so I was comfortable that we had had 4 whole years together and I had 7 years with my son Jack. I was very fortunate to find the best job I ever had, other then being a mom. I really enjoyed my 7 years at his job but time flew by. Soon, I had remarried and had another baby. This time, we already had a large blended family to support so staying at home was not as easy financially. However, right from Ravyn’s birth, I felt this strong need to be home with her. She really is a joy. Luckily, I was already working with a great company which allows me to continue to be a stay at home mom and make money. 

I work with a great team of people that really help each other. One of my mentors is a real help and inspiration to me. Alison has worked hard to make her family a priority while being extremely successful and is always around to help others do the same. Lots of people ask me if I can really make enough money to support a family working from home!  Alison clearly demonstrates this PLUS more!

Stay at Home Mom And Making Money: Meet Alison

Alison spent the first 15 years of her career busting her ass. At her practice as an OBGyn, she put in 80-100 hours a week and spent many long nights at the hospital. This meant she had to have 2 nannies working more then full time with her 18 month old. Alison told me she felt lots of stress wanting to be home with her son and also with her mom who was ill. The opportunity came along!

Fast forward 5 years to today and Alison is living a life she chooses. She loves being an OBGyn so she chooses to work 2 shifts a month. Her days are spent working from home and spending time with her two kids aged 2 and 6, family and friends. This is true time freedom. Alison has remodeled her beautiful home, paid for private school for her son, is driving a luxury car that is paid by the company AND is getting ready for her second all expense paid vacation. Most importantly, she is having fun.

Congratulations Alison and family. You are a true success story.

Click here to learn more about making money from home

I recently had a conversation with someone about Mom Guilt. It seems many of us suffer from this. I think the only people who don’t understand this it is men. They just say, “stop worrying”. I always answer, “worrying is a mom’s job”. However, it really isn’t.

Why do we do this to ourselves? If our friends vent about their mom guilt, we are the first to point out what a wonderful job they are doing. Why can’t we see that in ourselves?

I think it starts in pregnancy!  Take eating a hamburger for instance – we think man oh man, we need that cheeseburger and gobble it down but then feel guilty because we are not eating something more nutritious or horror of horrors gain too much weight. We feel guilty because we do not exercise but honestly putting pants on is hard some days.

Then the baby is born. There is guilt if you bottle feed, there is guilt if you don’t do the dishes but guilt if you put the baby in a swing to do the dishes. There is so much to do in the house and you want to do them, but your baby needs you and is so fun to play with them. How do you juggle it all? Do you let your kids watch a movie so you can clean the bathroom? How else will you keep them safe and quiet while you do things that need to be done? Moms feel guilt when they spend and enjoy a second away from their kids when they are small. Men often do not. Men stop for a beer after work without arranging child care but just going to the grocery store alone requires 30 minutes of planning for moms.

My biggest form of mom guilt happened when my little girl got hurt. I blamed myself and felt awful. It was not my fault though and I realize that now. I guarantee everyone has accidentally bumped or bruised their child. Often, we hit them with the car door, clip their fingernail too short or pinch them with the safety buckle. I know people whose baby has fallen off the bed. It happens, to every good parent in some way or another. I always think of the television sitcom “Friends” when Monica and Rachael are babysitting Ben and he hit his head on the roof.

Often, the biggest set of mom guilt comes from working vs stay at home moms. There is guilt on both sides. There are many reasons to go back to work. You love your job; many people feel complete when they are at work. Sometimes your job is part of your identity (doctor, police officer or teacher) and it is important for you to go back. Working gives people a sense of achievement and accomplishment. If you stay home you successfully accomplish raising children, you do not get to finish a big project get awards, raises, fancy titles or recognition. You don’t start and finish a project each day.  It is really nice to be a person recognized outside your home for accomplishments. I know lots of moms that do not like to stay at home as they get bored or impatient staying at home. That is ok! Of course, the biggest reason to be a working mom is monetary.  Most families need two incomes to get by.

Regardless of the reason, moms going back to work feel the pressure to be the perfect mom. Somehow, we feel the pressure to work and be successful but still be the mom baking cupcakes for school, going to 6 am hockey games and keeping a pristine house. The guilt comes when that does not happen. It is impossible to do it all. Moms feel guilt about sending kids to day care or not making the field trip their kids want them to. Moms feel guilty about wanting to go back to work or even having to go back to work when they want to be at home but can not.

Stay at home moms feel guilt too. There are a group of moms that LOVE that life. I am one of them. I really truly love play dates, music class, and car pools. There are a group of moms that do not. It can be hard being at home sometimes. There is no before and after work, you are always there. You do not get breaks from the shouting and crying and poop. There is a lot of time listening to annoying kids things like “Baby Shark” and Paw Patrol. You can go days without talking to another adult.  There are a group of moms that stay home for financial reasons. Daycare is very expensive and after two kids it is often the less expensive option to stay home. Sometimes both these groups of moms feel guilty for not “loving” being a stay at home mom.

Often stay at home moms are busy. You run from here to there and try to get everything done at once. This leaves very little time to dress up or put on makeup. Really, why should you put makeup on? For the Safeway cashier? Stay at home moms also feel guilty for not being the perfect mom like in magazines and tv shows with perfect hair, makeup and clothes. You need to make sure you do crafts with the kids, go to the park, laundry, keep the house clean, shop and provide nutritious home cooked meals. Again, this is impossible, something has to give and, in my house, it’s the cleaning. My biggest guilt trip is if I sit down to take a break when the baby is sleeping. I somehow feel like I need to work consistently like if I was clocking in and out with my husband. What I do not take into consideration is that I do this 7 day a week not 5 and it’s a 24 hour job not 8-5. Sometimes choosing to stay home means less money. I often feel guilty that I can not afford shiny new iphones, bikes and fancy vacations. Moms just can’t win no matter what we chose.

Do you know who puts the most pressure on ourselves? I guarantee that my husband does not expect the house to be perfect, or the meals, or my appearance or the kids. It is me that does. I think we also compare ourselves to other moms and the moms on tv! Sarah’s house is always clean, and Betty always looks amazing. Joanne goes to the gym 4 days a week. What you do not see is what they have to flex to achieve those things. Desperate Housewives did not help us all. The absolute worst contribution to guilt is the gossipy judgemental mom. These moms are constantly discussing how one mom should do this and not that. Just listening to those judgements helps these expectations sink into unconsciousness and reinforce our guilt. Essentially, we are pressuring each other to be the perfect mom.

Now, if you are reading this and think “what is she talking about”? That means you are one of the very lucky people who have overcome these feelings or never had them. I have some friends like this. Do not worry, you are the healthy one. You are not supposed to feel this guilt.

For the rest of us, what I wanted to get across is that we often all feel this “mom guilt”. It doesn’t matter if you work or not, if you have a clean house or a dirty one, we can make ourselves feel bad. We need to stop!

I am going to change and own it. I am going to be confident in my choices. If you stay home or work, if you bottle feed or nurse, if you show up at the school to volunteer or only come to parent teacher interviews, YOU ARE DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY! You cannot do it all. You have to chose what works for you and your family and know that you are doing what is important. We need to embrace ourselves and our choices. Stand up for them and be proud. Lastly, we need to surround ourselves by positive people. People who make us feel good about ourselves and others. Surround yourself with people with appropriate expectations and who are understanding and encouraging. I challenge you to change your mindset and overcome this guilt.

I would like to know your feelings of guilt. Is there something you struggle with? Please feel free to share your thoughts and your successes.