Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. After reading about child development and how critical first 5 years of a child’s life were for child development, I knew I was going to be at home with them. With my first 2 kids I did just that. I took care of my home, the kids, my ex husband and honestly loved every minute of it. I was really happy, but I was lucky.

Not everyone finds it fulfilling or desires to stay at home. The cost of day care is so high that many families can not afford for one person to go back to work after they have 2 or more children as daycare would cost more then the income that person would bring in. Regardless if you are loving it or feeling stuck, there are some issues that affect the self esteem of stay at home moms. I want to discuss this today in hopes it will help even one dad understand how his wife feels or help a mom feel better about herself.

Stay at home moms and self esteem: The issues

I have prepared a list of possible issues. Not every mom feels this way and I am not presuming to speak for all moms. This is just a list of issues that I have seen dealt with by fellow stay at home moms. Another mom might find 1, 5 or none of these issues affecting them while another might feel all the issues concern her.

Loss of identity: The first thing people often ask in an introduction is “what do you do?” Most women are in the work force before they have their first child. I used to happily tell people I was a Rehabilitation Instructor for people who were blind and visually impaired. I went to 2 different post graduate institutions to achieve this title and I was very proud of it. I was also proud of what I accomplished and contributed to the community within my chosen profession. When you are a stay at home (SAHM), announcing this to strangers did not make me feel good. Yes, I personally felt being a SAHM was important and had great value but in that situation, it did not feel that important or valued. I found myself saying, I am at home with the kids now, but I used to be a…… Really? What did it matter? To me, it was part of my identity. Who are you? I am “just a mom” ended up being what I said. I regret that. I feel like women should make proud announcements. I am the CEO of my own company. I am the proud mom of 4 children, or I am part of an International Collective of Woman working to improve the world. Say anything, just own it and be proud because what you are doing is important.

Condescension: This follows my first point. There are a group of people that do not hold being a SAHM as important as I do. This is very clearly communicated when being introduced to some people. When asked what do you do, if you answer “teacher”, the new person might follow up with “where or what grade”? How do you like it?” If you answer SAHM, some people look down and away, say oh or even change the subject. I can tell you that does not make you feel proud of your job. There are a group of working people that think being a SAHM is a lazy, easy job and we can easily feel less proud in that moment if that sentiment is expressed.

Guilt: Often times, there is the feeling of guilt with not working. I think it stems from the first 2 issues on my list. Many stay at home moms have to keep a tight budget as their husband is supporting their family on one income. When times are tough and your bank account is empty, SAHM’s often feel guilty that they are not contributing to the bank account. If there is only a bit of money, often we spend it on clothes for the kids or soccer. There is not a big budget for new shoes, new haircuts and fashionable clothes so we feel guilty if we buy an extras.

No feeling of accomplishment/recognition: Unfortunately, after cleaning the entire house, by the time I get back to the first room I cleaned, it’s a mess again. Children are like tornadoes. After cleaning for 4 hours, I do not look around and think “wow, look at what a good job I did”! I do not get a feeling of accomplishment when I teach my child to use their manners or use a fork. When other  parents complete a project at work or get a promotion, this helps their self esteem and makes them feel worthy and proud. Unfortunately, my husband does not send out an email telling everyone how well I folded the laundry the other day. This is made worse when things do not go well like your house being clean for only one second and nobody really noticing or caring. Now I am not saying I want a plaque for being the Best Coupon Clipper but what I am saying is there is no form of recognition for being a SAHM, no fancy job title, no bonuses, raises or promotions to help our self esteem.

Appearance:  So, you are going to music class in your old clothes that do not fit, in an old dye job, in a messy bun with no makeup on because really, why put on makeup for one hour in public? Then there is the baby weight, stretch marks and wrinkles. What did my baby do to my body? Not feeling put together or attractive does not help the self esteem either. Especially with the women in movies and magazines so skinny and put together all the time. I put on clean pants every morning but by 9:00 am, there is diaper cream, bananas and some other foreign substance on them. I never change…

Your own: When you are at home with young children, you can not even pee alone. You share your office (your home), usually even your bedroom. You really do not have anything that is just yours. Even your kids belong 50% to another person in most cases. Not having a career, a project, an award that is just your own can also affect your self esteem.

Judgments: So now our self esteem is low, we start fearing judgment on our performance as moms. The first thing judgement starts with if you are breast feeding or bottle-feeding.  Mamas often feel that people do not think bottle feeding is good enough. We fear other people are judging our parenting, our choices and our kids. Often, it is just our imagination but sometimes we worry about it all the same. We can also compare ourselves to the very pretty, skinny mom that looks like they have it all together.

Ways stay at home moms can improve their self esteem

1. Spend some money on your hair or a nice outfit if you can. If you feel more confident, you will feel better about yourself. We tend to feel all wonky after a baby. Make a goal to put on mascara or earrings, something to make you feel good even if you are just going to yoga.
2. Go out with your partner for a date night (or with a friend if you are single). The intimacy you share on a date will make you feel desirable and closer to your partner which will help your self esteem. It will also help your relationship
3. Have a positive mindset. Choose not to feel guilty about staying home to raise your kids. Choose not to care about other’s judgement or opinions. You are doing something amazing, so you need to be proud of it.
4. Do something just for you, that is “your own”. Take up curling, a fitness class, take a crocheting class, join a book club or volunteer.  You might even try writing a blog! This will give you time to be yourself, not someone’s mom. You will get to be with other adults and not talk about kids. You will have something to be proud of and a sense of accomplishment for doing it.

This is why I originally signed up for my first side gig or business. I started something that was just mine and the little bit of money I made back then made me feel like I had accomplished something. The extra money allowed me to get my hair done and buy some new clothes. When working, I got to meet new people and get out of the house.

Whatever you choose, find something that works for you and your family, something that brings you joy and something that improves your self esteem. I wish you all luck on this journey!

What do you do to feel better, to improve your self esteem or make you feel more like you?

When I was younger, I always looked forward to a perfect Christmas or a perfect New Years. The Christmas’ when I was a child, were often perfect to me. I hit my 20’s and my new inlaws had more dramatic family events that I was used to. Then I had some plain terrible holidays. Now that I am older, I have learned that you can’t make a perfect holiday and you can not control people’s reactions. I have simple expectations now for the holidays, I want my family together, a nice meal and the spirit of giving. I have learned that sometimes drama or uncontrollable factors happen, but that is ok. I had 3 absolutely awful holidays, and after that, all my Christmas celebrations seem wonderful.

Its all relative. I learned to focus on the little individual good parts of experiences instead of judging the whole as good or bad.

The year 2017 was the worst year ever in our family. The expression “It all happens at once” has never been more correct. Unfortunately, I had 4 major problems which caused a lot of stress and unhappiness. In 2018, we were blessed with a new baby girl and our problems started to be worked out.  Regardless what happened in 2018, I could completely appreciate the good little things that happened. After an absolutely terrible year, even a slightly crappy year seemed like a miracle. Every day that was not as terrible as the year before was a joy.  I found myself stopping to appreciate the little good things that happened every day and I found myself using the word blessed all the time. I found myself happy. For some reason, I need to experience some really troubling things to appreciate all the good in my life. I have heard people say “Live in the moment” but I do not think I appreciated the meaning until this New Years Eve. There was some good in 2017 and I am grateful for this experience. My life is more vibrant and full as it is not as black and white.

The year 2017 and 2018 taught me a lot of things, it taught me how strong I am, how to cope with stress, how to live in the moment, how to appreciate the good regardless of the bad and it taught me to see how blessed I really am. I would not have learned most of these things if I had not experienced all the things in 2017 and then the things in 2018.

It’s all relative!

So I have 2 very picky eaters. When I mean picky, I mean from birth. Neither of them would eat fruit or veggie purees or baby food. Life can get very stressful when you can not feed your baby. Kids can not survive on cheerios and plain pasta. My hellions would not even eat cookies or cake. I am the only mom at a birthday party yelling “just eat the cake!!!!”

About 10 years ago, 2 books came out about hiding vegetables in meals. I will reference them below and. One was written by Jerry Seinfeld’s wife. In both, there are recipes for all meals, desserts and snacks. This is where I learned to hide fruits and vegetables in meals.  Now, this also works on husbands or even just helps us moms get in our servings of fruits and vegetables. I call it Sneaky Vegetable Hiding.

Essentially there are 2 steps.

1. Cook and puree fruits and veggies and freeze in ice cube trays. It takes very little time and you can store it for whenever you need it. I blend them in a Magic Bullet until very smooth.
2. Add the thawed puree to whatever you can!

Fruit:

It is pretty easy to hide fruit in things such as pancakes, muffins, oatmeal and cookies. One of the best suggestions was Breakfast Ice cream. You can use any fruit but bananas was easiest. You freeze ripe, peeled bananas in chunks and in the morning, blend it with a tbsp of yogurt and you get a frozen banana puree that has the consistency of ice cream. You can do strawberries, blueberries, what ever fruit you like. My daughter still eats very poorly. I add protein powder for some added punch.

Cauliflower:

Cauliflower is an easy one to hide because it is white and almost tasteless. You can hide cauliflower puree in tuna salad and many sauces but my favourite is in mac and cheese. It works best in homemade sauces.

Butternut Squash:

I LOVE butternut squash because it is sweet and creamy. My favourite was to make plain pasta and add butter, butternut puree and Parmesan cheese. You can also add butternut squash puree to a quiche or souffle. Sounds bad, I know but it tastes good.

Sweet Potato or Yam

These sweet little jems are my favourite because they are like a dessert. I always add a couple sweet potato cubes and a carrot cube to my spaghetti sauce. It tastes good and it helps make the sauce less acidic. If you are baking and add cinnamon, they are hidden even better. I add sweet potatoes or pumpkin to pancakes, french toast or oatmeal. I even make hot chocolate with milk and chocolate syrup, I add some sweet potato and cinnamon. As long as you drink it fairly quickly, they will not notice. I add it to coffee with pumpkin spices for a pumpkin spice latte…for a treat for me

Avocados:

The avocado “pudding” was really popular for a while. You blend avocados with cacao powder and sometimes coconut milk or melted chocolate. There are many recipes online. It is pretty good but remember they are high in calories.! I add avocados to my boiled eggs instead of mayo in egg salad. Now this makes them slightly green so I suggest reading green eggs and ham before eating..

Zucchini can add a creamy flavour. You can add this to meatballs or hamburgers

I only successfully hid spinach in pita pizza’s. I would put a thin layer under the pizza sauce. The trick is to make sure it is covered by lots of sauce and toppings

Last but not least is onions. Sometimes onions taste really good in a dish but your kids hate looking at the slimy little devils. The other night I was making butter chicken and so I sautéed some onions and then pureed them for the sauce. No one ever knew.

If you would like more ways to trick your kids, check out these books

We look forward to our little baby when we are pregnant. We have dreams of our beautiful baby in a blue or pink blanket. We think of cuddling in the winter and swimming in the summer. We know we will have to work off the baby weight but hey, we have a whole year off work to do it right? Then reality hits. The baby weight is not coming off and everything is broken! What did my baby do to my body?

I never, ever imagined peeing myself doing  jumping jacks.

I LOVE being at home with a baby. I would have more if I could afford it. I do not mind diapers, I do not mind night feedings and I love being at home with them. I do not love what happened to my body after several children.

There is a reason your mom never told you this. If she did, no one would have 4 babies, after all, moms want grandchildren. You do not really think about it either. I did not worry about it after my first or really my second. This last baby has made me stop and think about it. I sit here writing at my computer almost bald, squinting, missing a piece of my tooth wearing my super support bra and control top leggings and then I forget what I was going to do….

I never stopped to think about it before. A social media post brought up the subject which made me sit down and made a list of all the things a baby changed in my body. This blog post is not about complaining but for fun because I found it entertaining to make the list and I thought I would share it with you. Here it is:

What did my baby do to my body?

• My hair is falling out in chunks, I can not wear my hair down
• My eye sight got worse with each baby
• Baby Brain… I somehow lost IQ points
• Needing extensive dental work after each baby
• Breasts that no longer are full and perky
• One boob is bigger then the other, by a lot
• No one told me my tummy would be as wrinkled as a 15 year old pug
• Thighs have spread
• My ab strength became non-existent
• Pelvic floor is weakened, it is dangerous to sneeze
• My pre-baby shoes do not fit

Now some of these problems are fixable. My hair will grow back, or so they tell me.  I can get new glasses. I can fix my teeth and buy more shoes.

I am also lucky. I have access to a product that have helped me with my sagging skin. I was able to stock up before the baby. I also started taking a brain supplement again to improve my focus, memory and energy. I had been on this before but unable to take while pregnant or nursing. I feel all around better on this supplement. I joined Hot Mama, a wonderful group of moms working on getting fit. All of these things have me starting to feel a little bit more like myself.

So why do we all do it? Because having our babies is the best thing that has ever happened to us in our entire life. Our children reward us each day with their love and joy. I can not even imagine my life without all our children. They truly are a blessing and I am very thankful for them. I would gladly do anything for them, including any changes to my body. They are like badges of honour.

However, I just might have to have a funeral for my one dead boob.

I have been trying to lose the baby weight. I feel like I have been doing this for 13 years…well I have been I guess. It’s a long term battle for me. I will lose a few pounds and then Christmas or a vacation will come around and they creep back on. I actually started running so that I could burn calories to allot to wine. I need to factor the calories in. This week, I just got back from vacation and gained back all the weight I had lost in the past bit.

No matter where you are on your calorie intake, we have days where we overindulge. Maybe you have a few too many drinks at a party and then have hangover McDonalds. Maybe you go to your favourite restaurant and order 3 big courses and enjoy every second of it.

I had a friend that used to plan when she could over indulge. The entire day before, all she would do is eat vegetables. She would cut them up into a giant ziplock bag and carry it around. That takes extreme will power, especially if you have kids you are serving mac and cheese, cookies or garlic bread. I could never do it.

My problem is, I eat something extravagant, and then I immediately feel guilt for overeating. Why? I should be able to simply enjoy my extravagance, but I think I have been on a diet so long that I have trained myself to feel guilt. This guilt can lead to many decisions, but I find there are 2 big options I see.

1.    To say screw it and keep eating badly. I have already blown it. Its too hard….I feel fat…..might as well eat…

2.    To accept the indulgence, we need to live life and enjoy it, to be thankful for the treat and to keep on your calorie/consumption goal. I need to believe I am good enough for a treat but not let it derail or sabotage me.

This seems like there is an obvious right choice but when faced with all your friends eating hamburgers and fries while you look at a salad with grilled chicken, it all goes to hell in a hand basket. Often time, I waffle back and forth between the two choices or feelings.

My point to this story is that we as women beat ourselves up. We want to be skinny because that is what we think is pretty. I once went two years without eating a whole chocolate bar. Some might call it will power but I do not think so. I think we need to give ourselves a break. I think we need to be a woman and eat a nice meal, cake on our birthday and drinks in Mexico. No, we do not need to give ourselves heart disease by letting it all rip but we need to enjoy life. It’s the every day decisions we make that add up not the one meal. A simple habit of making your dinner portions slightly smaller each day is more helpful then not eating a hamburger once and a while.

I could get hit by a car tomorrow and I do not want to go out without chocolate. What I need to learn is how to balance it all! A well-balanced diet and exercise has to be the way to go. I do not care if I fit in someone else’s mold. I want to live and enjoy life! I wish this for us all.

Do you have any tips, tricks or stories? I would love to hear them.