It’s been a long time since I have posted. Life got busy as we navigated a pandemic and all its changes. With a band of kids that were suddenly home all the time, to changes in the economy and some family changes, my blogging time got set aside. So what is new with me? Our big family move!

Last spring

Last year,  the Figley family moved to the Vernon, BC. My husband suddenly found himself without a job and so we moved where the work was. Many people dream of moving to the Okanagan, and now that I am here, I can see why. However, at the time, this was not my dream. I had been living in the Edmonton area for 22 years. My friends had become family and my children were happy in their schools and lives. Digging through 7 people’s things to prepare a house to be sold, driving back and forth 9 hours to look at houses and preparing to say goodbye was hard for everyone. Emotions ran high.

Josh moved ahead of us to start his new job while I packed, listed the house and got ready for the family move. Now the housing market where we were moving was hot. We were bidding on houses that were on the market a couple days. There could be 10 people bidding and the owners would pick the best bid, usually well over asking price

or cash. That is a tricky situation. After losing the bid on several houses, we stopped travelling to BC to look at houses. We simply bid on any house our amazing realtor could show us on a video, that could fit our family with some renovations and was in safe area. I also wanted a closet for a vacuum. These were our qualifications (the vacuum cupboard is another story).

Our house sold, thank goodness, but we kept bidding and losing on a new house.  We were bidding on houses we had never seen. I would get excited each time but we kept losing the bids. Finally, we had the winning bid on a house that had almost no work in 45 years. We had to make a 4^th bedroom to make our family fit but it would work. However, the timing would been that we were temporarily homeless as our house closed on August 15 but we did not move in until October 15…. yikes.

My family in Ontario let me have a nice summer visit while I tried to find something in BC for the kids to start their new schools. I found an Air BNB which very nicely took all of us and the pets until we could move the family to the new house. There were 6 people, 4 pets in a 2 bedroom without a full kitchen. It was a stunning place to stay on vacation and I highly recommend it but very tricky for 6 weeks with our numbers. We looked forward to moving into our new home that we paid well over asking price for AND HAD NEVER SEEN. My husband made it to the home inspection, but I had never seen the inside of the house.

We make it to the Okanagan

We make it to the Okanagan in a broken mini van, with 4 kids, 2 bearded dragons and 2 cats. That is a whole other story but I can tell you a large amount of wine when we arrived was needed.  Immediately, all of the family were grateful for breathtaking views of the area, the beautiful weather and kind people in our new stomping ground. We moved to a smaller town then the suburb of Edmonton from where we were before. Its very interesting how we moved 9 hours away, but it seemed like a different world. The culture of the area and the size of town was an adjustment. There is no Costco here… we have to travel to get to Costco! I do love being able to drive anywhere in town in about 10 minutes.

I was very pleased to see all the kids handle the move with maturity and grace. The older kids are in the same school as high school is grade 8-12 here. In Alberta, middle school is grade 7-9.  It was not easy on them, especially my son in grade 12 as that is a terrible year to move. There is a pasture of cows, on a steep hill across from the high school which  is again new to the city kids.  I think the cows, the deer or quail on our lawn was the most surprising part.

After a few weeks, the girls had settled in quite well. Ravyn had started preschool and we were too busy again to realize we had left our lives behind. The move was good for the 2 teen girls. As Kaede says, “even the mean girls here are nice compared to back home”. I feel blessed that they found the new school welcoming.. There are lots of good parts to moving to a smaller town.

The renovations

Remember I said that we moved into a fixer upper? The house did not have a dishwasher or any recent painting. The original orange curtains from 1976 and original indoor/outdoor carpet was in the basement. The group favorite was

the pink bathroom fixtures but we all agreed the kitchen had to go. Josh and I got to work. I am very lucky to have such a handy husband. With some great products from the Restore, Josh renovated the kitchen, replaced the basement flooring, added a room in the basement, and built a workshop. He is amazing! I went to work on unpacking, organizing, painting the whole house and all the little things that needed to be done.  This house looks completely different and we love it.

Adjusting to the move

As the school year ends for us, I can reflect to see how we have all grown through the family move. Throwing yourself out there to meet new people, not letting your confidence get in the way and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to explore new things are all challenging tasks.  We all started looking for our new tribe.  I moved a lot when I was younger so I had an idea of how it would go. It was just not something I was looking forward to. However, after being isolated during the pandemic, we all got used to being somewhat away from other people.

It takes time to build those lasting relationships. The kids really valued their friendships from last year. Thank goodness for technology as they were all on group calls with video games or chats….there are so many ways to call and chat for these kids now. At first, I don’t think the kids were interested in meeting new friends since the old ones were so available after school. It is a bit easier for the kids in school to meet people then it is for mom or dad. There have been bumps, adjustments and challenges but I am happy to see our social lives increasing.

I can’t say that it was an easy year, but we survived and are all together. I had the support of my family and friends to help us over some tricky issues. We had some awful things happens such as vehicles breaking on the way to the airport, trailers stuck  on the side of the road and mortgages almost falling through. We have a home, which in this area is not a given. I am grateful to have so many possibilities for the future.

This area is know for it being WINE COUNTRY! I found an old kayak, there are beautiful lakes, beaches, orchards and camping. I am excited to see what new opportunities await us here in the Okanagan.

Thanks for taking the time to read. Click here to learn a bit more about me!

Tis the season!

Christmas time rolls around, and we get excited to put up our tree, the lights and feel the Christmas energy. Some of us however find this time of year incredibly stressful, sad or exhausting. It is a time where everyone is supposed to be happy or at least pretend to be happy and often, moms have the hardest jobs. We need to do the cleaning, baking and cooking. We need to move the elf around, do the shopping, the wrapping and make sure everyone has Christmas PJ’s or whatever they need on top of our regular duties. It is even more important then ever to reduce stress over the holidays.

This year is different because of COVID. Many of the regular pressures such as Christmas cocktails, school recitals, office Christmas parties and fundraisers are not happening this year. That leaves us with changing some traditions, expecting things to be different and some overall anxiety. Many of us have financial troubles as the cherry on top of the cake called 2020.

This year has been difficult, and Christmas causes so much stress, be it good stress or bad stress. I have compiled a list of 10 tips to reduce stress over the holidays

1. Be Organized

It is a busy season, and we have lots to do. Keep a schedule, plan your activities and your shopping. Please make sure you add in family time and time for self care. It sounds silly but when you break down your tasks and schedule them, the frantic, overwhelmed feeling can be reduced.

2. Keep a budget

Regardless if you came through the last year with better finances or are struggling, Christmas time can easily put a hole in your pocket. Make a realistic budget and stick to it. This will help you feel less financial strain in December but also in January.

3. Human Contact

With many cities restricting contact outside of the family unit, we are extremely limited to whom we interact. Regardless if you are an introvert or an extrovert, make sure you take time to call or video call a friend or family member. These relationships reduce stress and enhance our feeling of belonging. Often talking to another can dramatically reduce stress.

4. Be Realistic

This is not the year to take the family to Mexico for Christmas or a huge family Christmas. Smaller family gatherings or even just household families will be getting together for Christmas dinner this year. As saddening or frustrating as this is, this is what is happening. Setting expectations too high or low for this Christmas will only add to your family’s stress. The kids need to know what will be happening so they are not disappointed if it is not as it was the past few years. Focusing on the positive helps everyone in your family adjust and look forward to the holiday.

5. Healthy Habits

Recently, I was telling someone how I look forward to reading a book over the holidays and eating a giant Toblerone. Please, celebrate your holiday and have some treats. However, your body will handle the good and bad of the season better with proper care. Make sure you are putting a priority on sleep, choose good foods when not at a celebration, drink water and move your body. Park your car farther away in the shopping center or do yoga at home to relax. Sleep, diet, water and exercise can all help reduce stress and help you feel calm and energized.

6. Learn to Say No

This was my New Years Resolution for 2020 and sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I did not. When someone asks for you to plan an online Christmas party or to participate in a crazy baking exchange, it is ok to say no! Be honest and say that you are not able to. Your family does not care about the selection of cookies in your house! Everything is different this year so just say no to simplify this season and  have more time for yourself and  your family.

7. Patience

Tensions are high. People are worried and many families are so financially strained that they are struggling mentally as well. Front line workers are working round the clock and trying to shop during breaks. There are people who are ill, suffering in the hospital alone. So many people are rushed, stressed and frustrated. Take some time to give people the benefit of the doubt and practice patience. Maybe a smile or some patience will change someone’s day. Getting mad only hurts you.

8. Take Time for You

There is a lovely children’s book by Carol McCloud about filling each other’s buckets and I always think of this concept. As I mentioned in my last blog post, self care is extremely important. Read it here.  Plan time to read, do yoga, visit a friend, watch a movie or go tobogganing with your kids. It is surprising how amazing filling up your bucket and the bucket of others can make you feel.

9. Be Grateful

My girlfriend has always spent every Christmas with a big family gathering. However, this year, that celebration will have to be changed to smaller family groups. This change is very difficult for her and many people are very upset about changing Christmas traditions. In April, our stress was extremely high as we were worried about our love ones passing and some of ours did. Take some time this month to appreciate the good things. There is still many good people and things to be grateful for. Focus on the good and enjoy Christmas.  Start a gratitude challenge for your friends and family to share these things!

10. Remember the spirit of Christmas

Christmas is not one day a year. Christmas is the spirit of love and giving. This should be happening all year long. My favourite part of 2020 is how many people put up their trees and lights in November instead of December to cheer themselves up. I keep hearing of acts of great giving and little acts of kindness. Pick a person on your street to surprise with acts of kindness. Deliver baking to your friends, buy someone’s coffee in the line behind you. This is the true spirit of Christmas. Focus on the spirit of Christmas and not the one day that will be different this year. Keep spirit of Christmas going.

If you or someone in your life is having trouble coping, please access some support.

In Canada you can use

Centre for Suicide Prevention   1-833-456-4566

Crisis Services Canada   1-833-456-4566, or text 45645

In the US  try of these:

e of (800) 273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Chat

Crisis Text Line (on your smartphone)

What types of things do your do for yourself? Self care sounds so easy but many of us do not practice it. Some people interpret self care as selfish and others feel guilty when they focus time and energy on themselves. Parents now are working, running kids to activities and trying to keep house. Each day is jam packed and their focus is on the kids not themselves or their partner.  Many schools and parents are starting to teach the importance of self care to our kids because people are realizing how important it.

The definition of self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. When practicing self-care, you might find improved mood and reduced anxiety. It is also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.  Once you have positive energy for yourself, you can transmit the good feelings to others.

The biggest challenge I have is making the time. With having so many kids at our house, I can block out some time to exercise or read a book but often times a kid needs a haircut or a ride to a friend’s house. I continue to struggle to say no even though I know I should be carving out this time for myself and teaching my children that self care is important. This is where the guilt can swing back as well.

Currently, I have decided to change my evening routine. I used to work at night, right up until an hour before bed. Then, it would be so hard to wind down that I would often be up an hour or so after I should be in bed. For a couple years I would say, “I will sleep when I am dead”.

This month, I have started to finish my work by 9 pm so I have time to read or watch tv before bed. I am also working to go to bed earlier to get more sleep. My goal is to make this a self care habit. If my body has the time to relax each night and gets rest, then I will be better equipped to manage stress, exercise, and be efficient at work the next day.

Self care does not have to be extravagant like a spa day or a trip to Mexico. It can be little things that you build into your daily routine.

Self Care Tips:

Sleep

Sleep helps the body and mind repair each night which can reduce chances of heart disease, weight gain, mood fluctuations and illness. Your brain flushes out waste while you sleep as well. Although you might “feel” ok with 6 hours of sleep a night, your body will not be getting what it needs. Make this a priority in your life.

Stress

If reducing stress was simple, we would all be doing it. There are things that we do not have control over but often stress can be reduced with intention. Many of these self care tips will also reduce stress as well.

Healthy Foods

This is another one that seems easy but takes dedication and effort. Start by adding as many fruits and vegetables as you can into your diet and avoiding processed foods and refined sugar. Eating healthy is a lifestyle, not a diet. This seems like work not self care but it is both. You need to be deliberate to give your body the physical support it needs.

Exercise

The benefits of exercise have been listed to us since elementary school so I am not going to list them all. Just remember, taking time to go for just a walk will help your body and mind deal with stress and prevent illnesses and injuries.

Appearance

It is not vain to want to look nice. Putting on a shirt you love or even some mascara to go to the store can give you a big mental boost. You might walk a little taller, feel more confident or even more happy. Invest in yourself.

Say No

This was my New Year’s Resolution this year. Often we are busy because we do not say no to the little things. Perhaps you run a school fundraiser, offer to drive car pool, take a class with a friend or take on an extra project. These little things all add up within your week, month or year. Learning to say no can help.

Schedule It

Make time for some self care. Take a scheduled yoga class, plan dinner with a friend or put your downtime in your calendar. Make this a priority and do not let your family steal it. A family calendar is a great way to show your kids that your time is important too and booked in advance or protected.

Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations help reduce negative thoughts and self sabotage. This can increase your happiness and even increase your chances of success. Put some sticky notes on your mirror and beside your bed. Try to say your affirmations out loud several times a day.

Declutter

The simple act of making the space around you tidy can significantly decrease your stress and anxiety. While it might not seem important or relevant, this simple task will really surprise you with its effects.

Pets

A pet can provide much comfort and joy or even reduce loneliness. Studies show that caring for a pet can also reduce blood pressure and even cholesterol.

Friends

When I think of the benefits of friends, I think of laughing, feeling accepted and of belonging. Spending time with friends can decrease stress and increase self-worth and happiness. Make some plans with your friends right away!

Life is crazy and extremely busy. Although you can not be able to fit large amounts of self care in every day, you can however do something that you love every day. Doing something little like enjoying a glass of wine or having a bath is self care. Doing things that bring you joy is still self care.

For the past 20 years, I feel like I have been on one really long diet. For years the scale has determined my sense of self worth, my confidence and my self esteem,. This is a common theme in women’s wellness. Over the years, I have been overly consumed about what is going into my body, how many calories a timbit is, how many minutes of exercise I have done today or what I need to not eat to make caloric room for cake at the party later. It quite possibly was to the point of a mild eating disorder.

About 5 years ago, I decided to stop with the calorie obsessing and just live life. This sounds easy, but for me with 15 good years of thinking about food and weight constantly, it was really hard. I had to let it go. After working at it, I felt like a found a good balance. The result was some weight gain which I had to deal with but I finally got to a point in my life where I felt I had balance between treats, fitness and my “diet”. I had a baby and then my  body changed even more. A year after Ravyn was born, the weight piled, no matter what I did so I just gave up.

For the past 2 years, I have had a journey of wellness. I was feeling exhausted, my hair was falling out, I had trouble sleeping, I started getting hives, I had constant discomfort in my abdomen causing me to stop running and enjoying fitness. Then the headaches, migraines, hot flashes and muscle pain descended. As I mentioned before, unexplained weight gain was another huge issue. So, I went back to the doctor and then to another one and another one and no one could find a medical problem including perimenopause or a thyroid issue. I was offered an IUD to help with age related hormone balancing and several medications for the hives.

In many movies and books, people have these “AH HA“ moments. I am proud to say that I had had one 8 years before about another change but suddenly very recently, had another one. My second “Ah Ha Revelation” was that maybe my body had slowly been trying to tell me something for years. Maybe, when I did not listen to my body’s first few alarms, my body kept giving me more alarms to try to speak to me. Maybe my body was screaming “you need to HELP me” and I did not listen.

Although I was counting calories, I was not always getting balanced nutrition. Years of artificial sweeteners, low fat products and skipping meals had affected my body. I have had two different sleeping disorders and sleep deprivation seemed normal to me. I started to wonder if the sleeping issues was not the first alarm my body tried to send me.  If I wanted to feel better, I better start listening to what my body was telling me.

I am still on this journey. I am a mom of 5 kids, working from home and trying to balance it all and now I am trying to take time for me. I am still learning and this will take many years but I wanted to stop and share what I have learned so far. If I get derailed, someone make me come back and read this post again!

Relationship with Food:

One day, I looked down at all my fresh vegetables that I was preparing and thought, look at all this nourishing food that is so good for my body. Food is not just made up of macros and calories, but it is what gives our body the nutrition it needs to function properly. Suddenly, the food I ate became a lifestyle not a diet. My heart became involved in what I prepared for myself and I began to see food as nourishing my spirit not a caloric in/out system. There is no finish line to my food choices now as I do not see them changing. I am not on a diet or off a diet. I am not re-starting Monday after a indulgent  weekend. The foods I now choose, make me feel more energized, clear headed and happy. If I have a treat, it is not falling off the wagon but nourishing another part of my soul that needed chocolate or some nachos. Its about balance. We have to enjoy life and our journey so have chocolate and have nachos, just not for breakfast everyday.

Supplements

Today’s produce does not have the same nutritional values as produce produced 40 years ago. You would have to eat 8 oranges to get the same amount of vitamin A your grandparents got from a single orange. And you would need to eat five to get the same level of iron. In order to support our bodies, we need to eat more whole foods and less added sugar, preservatives and flour. My family uses a whole food supplement, Juice Plus, to ensure that we are getting the nutrients we need. The changes I have made in my diet have included tons of whole foods but they tend to be servings of the same 10-15 veggies. Juice Plus gives me the confidence in knowing I am getting the benefits of 30 different fruits and veggies each day. I also take several supplements from Neora’s Wellness line including the brain supplement, sleep chews and probiotic as I believe they are right for me. We put money into our cars, houses, hobbies and hair but often our wellness is ignored because we think it is too costly. I budget in money for wellness as I believe protecting my brain, sleep and my gut health is important and a priority. The choice is yours. It means we don’t eat out as a family as often but that is a trade I am willing to make.

Perception of Fitness

Several years ago, I read an article that said if you walk 5 km or run km, the benefits are the same for your body. Then I read another that said running was better then walking and burned more calories. Naturally, my calorie counting brain decided that I should be exercising ALL OUT. When my weight started to go up, I first started exercising more or double. I taught myself to run at age 38 for this reason. I used to LOVE walking. I found peace walking and enjoyed it. I do not naturally enjoy running so why did I stop doing what I loved…because I was gaining weight and an article told me so. In my mind, being in good physical shape was being able to run 10 km and blew off my favourites of yoga and step class.

Since then, I have learned that fitness is not an all-out event. Your fitness has to do about moving your body in a positive way every day. Frantically running, spin classes and the elliptical are forms of fitness but also need to be balanced. There are times in my life when I am under stress, I need to walk and do yoga. Exercising with intensity will actually make me feel worse. I had to change my perception of fitness and my health because just because yoga does not make you gasp for air, you are still strengthening your muscles and increasing flexibility. Walking and yoga is good for MY body right now as my soul needs the calm and peace to repair. Increasing my heart rate and my cardiovascular health are still of value for me but I realize that I do not need to push it all the time. What is important is that I not worry about weight/type of exercise but worry about supporting my body and wellness.

Gut Health

Everywhere we go, you hear about Gut Health. This is a newer term but flashed around a lot in the past few years. Ten years ago, I thought about my gut as a digestive system but research is now linking how our gut is doing to our mental health, allergies, skin conditions, thyroid issues, fatigue, weight gain, headaches and many more. Funny that many of those are on list of complaints I was talking about to doctors. I am not a doctor or nutritionist so I can not tell you how to heal your gut. I would suggest to you all to research this or talk to your health care professional.  I have been eliminating gluten and dairy to try to heal my “gut” and I do feel better. I added probiotics to help support this healing as well.

The little pieces I underestimated: Me, Water and Sleep

When we get busier as moms and parents, we stay up later, drink more coffee and power through. At night, some of us drink wine or whatever alcohol helps you relax so you can pass out, get up and do it again.

Everyone knows from a young age that we should drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

Everyone knows we should get 8-9 hours of sleep a night

WE DO NOT DO EITHER….Why is hydration and sleep never a priority to us but it is when we parent our children. We make sure their water bottles are full and they get enough sleep. You would be horrified to put your 2 year old to bed 4 hours late and up at the same time the next day because you KNOW the child will be grumpy. Why do we do it to ourselves then?

In order to heal, get rid of toxins and function properly, we need water and sleep. Only as of this January, have I made sleep and hydration a priority. It takes effort to not grab coffee, it takes effort to have a sleep routine and go to sleep at a reasonable hour when you want to stay up after the kids went to bed. It takes effort not to resort to alcohol as a sleep aid. I had to change my relationship with all of these things in order to create balance.

Christmas was a rough time this year. I decided to make 2020 the Year I Take Back Ellyn. I am going to stop working at a reasonable time each night and relax. I am going back to my yoga practice and doing things for just me again. If I do not take time for me, I will break down and be no good for my family. I need to nourish my spirit and soul making myself a priority and teaching my children to do so too. We are in control of our own happiness so I better do something that I enjoy for my own happiness. Now, I take some time each day just to BREATHE and I do not feel selfish for doing so.

Results:

I am not “fixed”. I am still struggling to determine what my body needs and does not need. I am making mistakes and some progress. What I can tell you is that my constant pain and migraines are much better. I can tell you my hot flashes are pretty much gone. I can tell you my stomach and digestion are improving. Weight is not yet flying off but that is not my priority. My priority is to learn to listen to my body and what it needs. I truly believe that once I do that, a healthy weight will be achieved.

This story is of my journey and my perception of wellness. If you are not feeling well, I do encourage you to see a medical professional but to also stop and listen to the alarms that maybe your body is sending you.

What does wellness mean to you?

In honour of Mother’s Day, I have written this blog post which is not so informative as it is a “shout out”. I would like to show a little gratitude towards specific people and towards a business that has put together very beneficial programs that really help moms across Canada feel better about themselves.

Let me start from the beginning! Springtime, 1 year ago,I had just had a baby, felt frumpy, did not know other new moms and was struggling with some post-partum depression and anxiety. I came across an amazing program from Hot Mama Health and Fitness called the Postpartum Initiative. This program gives 4 weeks of free classes to mamas within 8 and 24 weeks postpartum. I can not possibly explain this initiative better then their website.

This is how Hot Mama describes their program.

“Motherhood is hard and it can often be fairly isolating. We want to help. We want to get new Mamas moving through safe exercise programs and we want all Mamas to feel supported, inspired and cared for through our Postpartum Initiative!”

I signed up for my 8 free classes but did not understand what was coming! I thought maybe I could lose some baby weight, get fit again, maybe even find some of my long-lost energy. What I did not expect to find was a group of amazing, supportive, non-judgmental woman who would just make everything better. I found a group of like-minded women who were looking to improve their health but also willing to help other vent, drop truth bombs, feel better as moms and feel like themselves again.

This group allows you to bring your kiddo to class and many moms do. Some moms value some free time away from kids or even have older children in school. There are a variety of classes to chose from like many gym programs. What I did not expect to find was the positive body image and mindset work.  Hot Mama offers a few programs that are geared to help woman become healthier through nutrition and fitness, but the focus is not to be “skinny”.

So let me go back to the beginning of my story… I had just had a baby, felt frumpy, did not know other moms and was struggling with some postpartum depression and anxiety. Losing some baby weight and running a 10 km race would not have fixed all of my issues but the whole Hot Mama experience did. I took those classes which focused on learning nutrition and about different types of fitness. They taught me to set goals, push myself and achieve those goals. I learned to celebrate those wins and to change my mindset The group classes taught me to appreciate myself and my body and to stop trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. Not many other gym programs do that!

I was planning on writing a blog on how important it is for moms to appreciate themselves, accept themselves and love themselves by focusing on their mental and physical health. I am extremely grateful to the amazing ladies who have listened and accepted my venting, my crazy and my weirdness. I appreciate the “mom’s night out” that our leader organizes, the friendships and making my body stronger. What I really needed was the physical and mental support this program gave me over the past year. I was already feeling gratitude for this amazing group of women. Then Friday happened.

Our leader regularly raises money for a valued charity and this day was no exception. All class fees and raffle draw proceeds from Friday’s class went to an amazing group in our area. This fabulous leader, a mom of 4 not only organized a fantastic, creative workout to celebrate moms with prizes, food and a good workout but she also gave each of us an amazing gift.  Within this workout, we had rotating partners for different stations of exercise. At each station, we had a pen and post it note and we wrote down a compliment or positive thought for the other person at that station. All the notes went into a bag for that person. We were given the bag at the end of class and told not to open this bag until Mother’s Day. This leaves each mom with about 10 post-it notes of compliments to read on Mothers Day.

No one knows how your Mother’s Day goes. Maybe we have a partner away, a soccer tournament, no partner or the best partner in the world. EVERY mother deserves a bag of compliments to read on Mother’s Day even if the rest of the day is crazy. That is a truly valuable and thoughtful gift. What an incredibly generous gift. I will always remember this Mother’s Day.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Hot Mama’s in my life for being so amazing and to say Happy Mother’s Day! I want to send love to our Hot Mama instructors, leaders and the Original Hot Mama for developing this program.

Thank you for reading this special blog post. I would love to hear about what has helped or touched you profoundly this past year. Let’s keep the gratitude going ❤️ Happy Mothers Day everyone!

Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. After reading about child development and how critical first 5 years of a child’s life were for child development, I knew I was going to be at home with them. With my first 2 kids I did just that. I took care of my home, the kids, my ex husband and honestly loved every minute of it. I was really happy, but I was lucky.

Not everyone finds it fulfilling or desires to stay at home. The cost of day care is so high that many families can not afford for one person to go back to work after they have 2 or more children as daycare would cost more then the income that person would bring in. Regardless if you are loving it or feeling stuck, there are some issues that affect the self esteem of stay at home moms. I want to discuss this today in hopes it will help even one dad understand how his wife feels or help a mom feel better about herself.

Stay at home moms and self esteem: The issues

I have prepared a list of possible issues. Not every mom feels this way and I am not presuming to speak for all moms. This is just a list of issues that I have seen dealt with by fellow stay at home moms. Another mom might find 1, 5 or none of these issues affecting them while another might feel all the issues concern her.

Loss of identity: The first thing people often ask in an introduction is “what do you do?” Most women are in the work force before they have their first child. I used to happily tell people I was a Rehabilitation Instructor for people who were blind and visually impaired. I went to 2 different post graduate institutions to achieve this title and I was very proud of it. I was also proud of what I accomplished and contributed to the community within my chosen profession. When you are a stay at home (SAHM), announcing this to strangers did not make me feel good. Yes, I personally felt being a SAHM was important and had great value but in that situation, it did not feel that important or valued. I found myself saying, I am at home with the kids now, but I used to be a…… Really? What did it matter? To me, it was part of my identity. Who are you? I am “just a mom” ended up being what I said. I regret that. I feel like women should make proud announcements. I am the CEO of my own company. I am the proud mom of 4 children, or I am part of an International Collective of Woman working to improve the world. Say anything, just own it and be proud because what you are doing is important.

Condescension: This follows my first point. There are a group of people that do not hold being a SAHM as important as I do. This is very clearly communicated when being introduced to some people. When asked what do you do, if you answer “teacher”, the new person might follow up with “where or what grade”? How do you like it?” If you answer SAHM, some people look down and away, say oh or even change the subject. I can tell you that does not make you feel proud of your job. There are a group of working people that think being a SAHM is a lazy, easy job and we can easily feel less proud in that moment if that sentiment is expressed.

Guilt: Often times, there is the feeling of guilt with not working. I think it stems from the first 2 issues on my list. Many stay at home moms have to keep a tight budget as their husband is supporting their family on one income. When times are tough and your bank account is empty, SAHM’s often feel guilty that they are not contributing to the bank account. If there is only a bit of money, often we spend it on clothes for the kids or soccer. There is not a big budget for new shoes, new haircuts and fashionable clothes so we feel guilty if we buy an extras.

No feeling of accomplishment/recognition: Unfortunately, after cleaning the entire house, by the time I get back to the first room I cleaned, it’s a mess again. Children are like tornadoes. After cleaning for 4 hours, I do not look around and think “wow, look at what a good job I did”! I do not get a feeling of accomplishment when I teach my child to use their manners or use a fork. When other  parents complete a project at work or get a promotion, this helps their self esteem and makes them feel worthy and proud. Unfortunately, my husband does not send out an email telling everyone how well I folded the laundry the other day. This is made worse when things do not go well like your house being clean for only one second and nobody really noticing or caring. Now I am not saying I want a plaque for being the Best Coupon Clipper but what I am saying is there is no form of recognition for being a SAHM, no fancy job title, no bonuses, raises or promotions to help our self esteem.

Appearance:  So, you are going to music class in your old clothes that do not fit, in an old dye job, in a messy bun with no makeup on because really, why put on makeup for one hour in public? Then there is the baby weight, stretch marks and wrinkles. What did my baby do to my body? Not feeling put together or attractive does not help the self esteem either. Especially with the women in movies and magazines so skinny and put together all the time. I put on clean pants every morning but by 9:00 am, there is diaper cream, bananas and some other foreign substance on them. I never change…

Your own: When you are at home with young children, you can not even pee alone. You share your office (your home), usually even your bedroom. You really do not have anything that is just yours. Even your kids belong 50% to another person in most cases. Not having a career, a project, an award that is just your own can also affect your self esteem.

Judgments: So now our self esteem is low, we start fearing judgment on our performance as moms. The first thing judgement starts with if you are breast feeding or bottle-feeding.  Mamas often feel that people do not think bottle feeding is good enough. We fear other people are judging our parenting, our choices and our kids. Often, it is just our imagination but sometimes we worry about it all the same. We can also compare ourselves to the very pretty, skinny mom that looks like they have it all together.

Ways stay at home moms can improve their self esteem

1. Spend some money on your hair or a nice outfit if you can. If you feel more confident, you will feel better about yourself. We tend to feel all wonky after a baby. Make a goal to put on mascara or earrings, something to make you feel good even if you are just going to yoga.
2. Go out with your partner for a date night (or with a friend if you are single). The intimacy you share on a date will make you feel desirable and closer to your partner which will help your self esteem. It will also help your relationship
3. Have a positive mindset. Choose not to feel guilty about staying home to raise your kids. Choose not to care about other’s judgement or opinions. You are doing something amazing, so you need to be proud of it.
4. Do something just for you, that is “your own”. Take up curling, a fitness class, take a crocheting class, join a book club or volunteer.  You might even try writing a blog! This will give you time to be yourself, not someone’s mom. You will get to be with other adults and not talk about kids. You will have something to be proud of and a sense of accomplishment for doing it.

This is why I originally signed up for my first side gig or business. I started something that was just mine and the little bit of money I made back then made me feel like I had accomplished something. The extra money allowed me to get my hair done and buy some new clothes. When working, I got to meet new people and get out of the house.

Whatever you choose, find something that works for you and your family, something that brings you joy and something that improves your self esteem. I wish you all luck on this journey!

What do you do to feel better, to improve your self esteem or make you feel more like you?