Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. After reading about child development and how critical first 5 years of a child’s life were for child development, I knew I was going to be at home with them. With my first 2 kids I did just that. I took care of my home, the kids, my ex husband and honestly loved every minute of it. I was really happy, but I was lucky.
Not everyone finds it fulfilling or desires to stay at home. The cost of day care is so high that many families can not afford for one person to go back to work after they have 2 or more children as daycare would cost more then the income that person would bring in. Regardless if you are loving it or feeling stuck, there are some issues that affect the self esteem of stay at home moms. I want to discuss this today in hopes it will help even one dad understand how his wife feels or help a mom feel better about herself.
Stay at home moms and self esteem: The issues
I have prepared a list of possible issues. Not every mom feels this way and I am not presuming to speak for all moms. This is just a list of issues that I have seen dealt with by fellow stay at home moms. Another mom might find 1, 5 or none of these issues affecting them while another might feel all the issues concern her.
Loss of identity: The first thing people often ask in an introduction is “what do you do?” Most women are in the work force before they have their first child. I used to happily tell people I was a Rehabilitation Instructor for people who were blind and visually impaired. I went to 2 different post graduate institutions to achieve this title and I was very proud of it. I was also proud of what I accomplished and contributed to the community within my chosen profession. When you are a stay at home (SAHM), announcing this to strangers did not make me feel good. Yes, I personally felt being a SAHM was important and had great value but in that situation, it did not feel that important or valued. I found myself saying, I am at home with the kids now, but I used to be a…… Really? What did it matter? To me, it was part of my identity. Who are you? I am “just a mom” ended up being what I said. I regret that. I feel like women should make proud announcements. I am the CEO of my own company. I am the proud mom of 4 children, or I am part of an International Collective of Woman working to improve the world. Say anything, just own it and be proud because what you are doing is important.
Condescension: This follows my first point. There are a group of people that do not hold being a SAHM as important as I do. This is very clearly communicated when being introduced to some people. When asked what do you do, if you answer “teacher”, the new person might follow up with “where or what grade”? How do you like it?” If you answer SAHM, some people look down and away, say oh or even change the subject. I can tell you that does not make you feel proud of your job. There are a group of working people that think being a SAHM is a lazy, easy job and we can easily feel less proud in that moment if that sentiment is expressed.
Guilt: Often times, there is the feeling of guilt with not working. I think it stems from the first 2 issues on my list. Many stay at home moms have to keep a tight budget as their husband is supporting their family on one income. When times are tough and your bank account is empty, SAHM’s often feel guilty that they are not contributing to the bank account. If there is only a bit of money, often we spend it on clothes for the kids or soccer. There is not a big budget for new shoes, new haircuts and fashionable clothes so we feel guilty if we buy an extras.
No feeling of accomplishment/recognition: Unfortunately, after cleaning the entire house, by the time I get back to the first room I cleaned, it’s a mess again. Children are like tornadoes. After cleaning for 4 hours, I do not look around and think “wow, look at what a good job I did”! I do not get a feeling of accomplishment when I teach my child to use their manners or use a fork. When other parents complete a project at work or get a promotion, this helps their self esteem and makes them feel worthy and proud. Unfortunately, my husband does not send out an email telling everyone how well I folded the laundry the other day. This is made worse when things do not go well like your house being clean for only one second and nobody really noticing or caring. Now I am not saying I want a plaque for being the Best Coupon Clipper but what I am saying is there is no form of recognition for being a SAHM, no fancy job title, no bonuses, raises or promotions to help our self esteem.
Appearance: So, you are going to music class in your old clothes that do not fit, in an old dye job, in a messy bun with no makeup on because really, why put on makeup for one hour in public? Then there is the baby weight, stretch marks and wrinkles. What did my baby do to my body? Not feeling put together or attractive does not help the self esteem either. Especially with the women in movies and magazines so skinny and put together all the time. I put on clean pants every morning but by 9:00 am, there is diaper cream, bananas and some other foreign substance on them. I never change…
Your own: When you are at home with young children, you can not even pee alone. You share your office (your home), usually even your bedroom. You really do not have anything that is just yours. Even your kids belong 50% to another person in most cases. Not having a career, a project, an award that is just your own can also affect your self esteem.
Judgments: So now our self esteem is low, we start fearing judgment on our performance as moms. The first thing judgement starts with if you are breast feeding or bottle-feeding. Mamas often feel that people do not think bottle feeding is good enough. We fear other people are judging our parenting, our choices and our kids. Often, it is just our imagination but sometimes we worry about it all the same. We can also compare ourselves to the very pretty, skinny mom that looks like they have it all together.
Ways stay at home moms can improve their self esteem
- Spend some money on your hair or a nice outfit if you can. If you feel more confident, you will feel better about yourself. We tend to feel all wonky after a baby. Make a goal to put on mascara or earrings, something to make you feel good even if you are just going to yoga.
- Go out with your partner for a date night (or with a friend if you are single). The intimacy you share on a date will make you feel desirable and closer to your partner which will help your self esteem. It will also help your relationship
- Have a positive mindset. Choose not to feel guilty about staying home to raise your kids. Choose not to care about other’s judgement or opinions. You are doing something amazing, so you need to be proud of it.
- Do something just for you, that is “your own”. Take up curling, a fitness class, take a crocheting class, join a book club or volunteer. You might even try writing a blog! This will give you time to be yourself, not someone’s mom. You will get to be with other adults and not talk about kids. You will have something to be proud of and a sense of accomplishment for doing it.
This is why I originally signed up for my first side gig or business. I started something that was just mine and the little bit of money I made back then made me feel like I had accomplished something. The extra money allowed me to get my hair done and buy some new clothes. When working, I got to meet new people and get out of the house.
Whatever you choose, find something that works for you and your family, something that brings you joy and something that improves your self esteem. I wish you all luck on this journey!
What do you do to feel better, to improve your self esteem or make you feel more like you?
