I recently had a conversation with someone about Mom Guilt. It seems many of us suffer from this. I think the only people who don’t understand this it is men. They just say, “stop worrying”. I always answer, “worrying is a mom’s job”. However, it really isn’t.
Why do we do this to ourselves? If our friends vent about their mom guilt, we are the first to point out what a wonderful job they are doing. Why can’t we see that in ourselves?
I think it starts in pregnancy! Take eating a hamburger for instance – we think man oh man, we need that cheeseburger and gobble it down but then feel guilty because we are not eating something more nutritious or horror of horrors gain too much weight. We feel guilty because we do not exercise but honestly putting pants on is hard some days.
Then the baby is born. There is guilt if you bottle feed, there is guilt if you don’t do the dishes but guilt if you put the baby in a swing to do the dishes. There is so much to do in the house and you want to do them, but your baby needs you and is so fun to play with them. How do you juggle it all? Do you let your kids watch a movie so you can clean the bathroom? How else will you keep them safe and quiet while you do things that need to be done? Moms feel guilt when they spend and enjoy a second away from their kids when they are small. Men often do not. Men stop for a beer after work without arranging child care but just going to the grocery store alone requires 30 minutes of planning for moms.
My biggest form of mom guilt happened when my little girl got hurt. I blamed myself and felt awful. It was not my fault though and I realize that now. I guarantee everyone has accidentally bumped or bruised their child. Often, we hit them with the car door, clip their fingernail too short or pinch them with the safety buckle. I know people whose baby has fallen off the bed. It happens, to every good parent in some way or another. I always think of the television sitcom “Friends” when Monica and Rachael are babysitting Ben and he hit his head on the roof.
Often, the biggest set of mom guilt comes from working vs stay at home moms. There is guilt on both sides. There are many reasons to go back to work. You love your job; many people feel complete when they are at work. Sometimes your job is part of your identity (doctor, police officer or teacher) and it is important for you to go back. Working gives people a sense of achievement and accomplishment. If you stay home you successfully accomplish raising children, you do not get to finish a big project get awards, raises, fancy titles or recognition. You don’t start and finish a project each day. It is really nice to be a person recognized outside your home for accomplishments. I know lots of moms that do not like to stay at home as they get bored or impatient staying at home. That is ok! Of course, the biggest reason to be a working mom is monetary. Most families need two incomes to get by.
Regardless of the reason, moms going back to work feel the pressure to be the perfect mom. Somehow, we feel the pressure to work and be successful but still be the mom baking cupcakes for school, going to 6 am hockey games and keeping a pristine house. The guilt comes when that does not happen. It is impossible to do it all. Moms feel guilt about sending kids to day care or not making the field trip their kids want them to. Moms feel guilty about wanting to go back to work or even having to go back to work when they want to be at home but can not.
Stay at home moms feel guilt too. There are a group of moms that LOVE that life. I am one of them. I really truly love play dates, music class, and car pools. There are a group of moms that do not. It can be hard being at home sometimes. There is no before and after work, you are always there. You do not get breaks from the shouting and crying and poop. There is a lot of time listening to annoying kids things like “Baby Shark” and Paw Patrol. You can go days without talking to another adult. There are a group of moms that stay home for financial reasons. Daycare is very expensive and after two kids it is often the less expensive option to stay home. Sometimes both these groups of moms feel guilty for not “loving” being a stay at home mom.
Often stay at home moms are busy. You run from here to there and try to get everything done at once. This leaves very little time to dress up or put on makeup. Really, why should you put makeup on? For the Safeway cashier? Stay at home moms also feel guilty for not being the perfect mom like in magazines and tv shows with perfect hair, makeup and clothes. You need to make sure you do crafts with the kids, go to the park, laundry, keep the house clean, shop and provide nutritious home cooked meals. Again, this is impossible, something has to give and, in my house, it’s the cleaning. My biggest guilt trip is if I sit down to take a break when the baby is sleeping. I somehow feel like I need to work consistently like if I was clocking in and out with my husband. What I do not take into consideration is that I do this 7 day a week not 5 and it’s a 24 hour job not 8-5. Sometimes choosing to stay home means less money. I often feel guilty that I can not afford shiny new iphones, bikes and fancy vacations. Moms just can’t win no matter what we chose.
Do you know who puts the most pressure on ourselves? I guarantee that my husband does not expect the house to be perfect, or the meals, or my appearance or the kids. It is me that does. I think we also compare ourselves to other moms and the moms on tv! Sarah’s house is always clean, and Betty always looks amazing. Joanne goes to the gym 4 days a week. What you do not see is what they have to flex to achieve those things. Desperate Housewives did not help us all. The absolute worst contribution to guilt is the gossipy judgemental mom. These moms are constantly discussing how one mom should do this and not that. Just listening to those judgements helps these expectations sink into unconsciousness and reinforce our guilt. Essentially, we are pressuring each other to be the perfect mom.
Now, if you are reading this and think “what is she talking about”? That means you are one of the very lucky people who have overcome these feelings or never had them. I have some friends like this. Do not worry, you are the healthy one. You are not supposed to feel this guilt.
For the rest of us, what I wanted to get across is that we often all feel this “mom guilt”. It doesn’t matter if you work or not, if you have a clean house or a dirty one, we can make ourselves feel bad. We need to stop!
I am going to change and own it. I am going to be confident in my choices. If you stay home or work, if you bottle feed or nurse, if you show up at the school to volunteer or only come to parent teacher interviews, YOU ARE DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY! You cannot do it all. You have to chose what works for you and your family and know that you are doing what is important. We need to embrace ourselves and our choices. Stand up for them and be proud. Lastly, we need to surround ourselves by positive people. People who make us feel good about ourselves and others. Surround yourself with people with appropriate expectations and who are understanding and encouraging. I challenge you to change your mindset and overcome this guilt.
I would like to know your feelings of guilt. Is there something you struggle with? Please feel free to share your thoughts and your successes.
