Ever since I was a teenager, I knew I wanted to be at home with my kids when they were little. After reading about child development and how critical first 5 years of a child’s life were for child development, I knew I was going to be at home with them. With my first 2 kids I did just that. I took care of my home, the kids, my ex husband and honestly loved every minute of it. I was really happy, but I was lucky.

Not everyone finds it fulfilling or desires to stay at home. The cost of day care is so high that many families can not afford for one person to go back to work after they have 2 or more children as daycare would cost more then the income that person would bring in. Regardless if you are loving it or feeling stuck, there are some issues that affect the self esteem of stay at home moms. I want to discuss this today in hopes it will help even one dad understand how his wife feels or help a mom feel better about herself.

Stay at home moms and self esteem: The issues

I have prepared a list of possible issues. Not every mom feels this way and I am not presuming to speak for all moms. This is just a list of issues that I have seen dealt with by fellow stay at home moms. Another mom might find 1, 5 or none of these issues affecting them while another might feel all the issues concern her.

Loss of identity: The first thing people often ask in an introduction is “what do you do?” Most women are in the work force before they have their first child. I used to happily tell people I was a Rehabilitation Instructor for people who were blind and visually impaired. I went to 2 different post graduate institutions to achieve this title and I was very proud of it. I was also proud of what I accomplished and contributed to the community within my chosen profession. When you are a stay at home (SAHM), announcing this to strangers did not make me feel good. Yes, I personally felt being a SAHM was important and had great value but in that situation, it did not feel that important or valued. I found myself saying, I am at home with the kids now, but I used to be a…… Really? What did it matter? To me, it was part of my identity. Who are you? I am “just a mom” ended up being what I said. I regret that. I feel like women should make proud announcements. I am the CEO of my own company. I am the proud mom of 4 children, or I am part of an International Collective of Woman working to improve the world. Say anything, just own it and be proud because what you are doing is important.

Condescension: This follows my first point. There are a group of people that do not hold being a SAHM as important as I do. This is very clearly communicated when being introduced to some people. When asked what do you do, if you answer “teacher”, the new person might follow up with “where or what grade”? How do you like it?” If you answer SAHM, some people look down and away, say oh or even change the subject. I can tell you that does not make you feel proud of your job. There are a group of working people that think being a SAHM is a lazy, easy job and we can easily feel less proud in that moment if that sentiment is expressed.

Guilt: Often times, there is the feeling of guilt with not working. I think it stems from the first 2 issues on my list. Many stay at home moms have to keep a tight budget as their husband is supporting their family on one income. When times are tough and your bank account is empty, SAHM’s often feel guilty that they are not contributing to the bank account. If there is only a bit of money, often we spend it on clothes for the kids or soccer. There is not a big budget for new shoes, new haircuts and fashionable clothes so we feel guilty if we buy an extras.

No feeling of accomplishment/recognition: Unfortunately, after cleaning the entire house, by the time I get back to the first room I cleaned, it’s a mess again. Children are like tornadoes. After cleaning for 4 hours, I do not look around and think “wow, look at what a good job I did”! I do not get a feeling of accomplishment when I teach my child to use their manners or use a fork. When other  parents complete a project at work or get a promotion, this helps their self esteem and makes them feel worthy and proud. Unfortunately, my husband does not send out an email telling everyone how well I folded the laundry the other day. This is made worse when things do not go well like your house being clean for only one second and nobody really noticing or caring. Now I am not saying I want a plaque for being the Best Coupon Clipper but what I am saying is there is no form of recognition for being a SAHM, no fancy job title, no bonuses, raises or promotions to help our self esteem.

Appearance:  So, you are going to music class in your old clothes that do not fit, in an old dye job, in a messy bun with no makeup on because really, why put on makeup for one hour in public? Then there is the baby weight, stretch marks and wrinkles. What did my baby do to my body? Not feeling put together or attractive does not help the self esteem either. Especially with the women in movies and magazines so skinny and put together all the time. I put on clean pants every morning but by 9:00 am, there is diaper cream, bananas and some other foreign substance on them. I never change…

Your own: When you are at home with young children, you can not even pee alone. You share your office (your home), usually even your bedroom. You really do not have anything that is just yours. Even your kids belong 50% to another person in most cases. Not having a career, a project, an award that is just your own can also affect your self esteem.

Judgments: So now our self esteem is low, we start fearing judgment on our performance as moms. The first thing judgement starts with if you are breast feeding or bottle-feeding.  Mamas often feel that people do not think bottle feeding is good enough. We fear other people are judging our parenting, our choices and our kids. Often, it is just our imagination but sometimes we worry about it all the same. We can also compare ourselves to the very pretty, skinny mom that looks like they have it all together.

Ways stay at home moms can improve their self esteem

1. Spend some money on your hair or a nice outfit if you can. If you feel more confident, you will feel better about yourself. We tend to feel all wonky after a baby. Make a goal to put on mascara or earrings, something to make you feel good even if you are just going to yoga.
2. Go out with your partner for a date night (or with a friend if you are single). The intimacy you share on a date will make you feel desirable and closer to your partner which will help your self esteem. It will also help your relationship
3. Have a positive mindset. Choose not to feel guilty about staying home to raise your kids. Choose not to care about other’s judgement or opinions. You are doing something amazing, so you need to be proud of it.
4. Do something just for you, that is “your own”. Take up curling, a fitness class, take a crocheting class, join a book club or volunteer.  You might even try writing a blog! This will give you time to be yourself, not someone’s mom. You will get to be with other adults and not talk about kids. You will have something to be proud of and a sense of accomplishment for doing it.

This is why I originally signed up for my first side gig or business. I started something that was just mine and the little bit of money I made back then made me feel like I had accomplished something. The extra money allowed me to get my hair done and buy some new clothes. When working, I got to meet new people and get out of the house.

Whatever you choose, find something that works for you and your family, something that brings you joy and something that improves your self esteem. I wish you all luck on this journey!

What do you do to feel better, to improve your self esteem or make you feel more like you?

Teenagers throughout the world have disappeared! They have been replaced by moody zombies that just want to disappear into whatever room their Xbox or Playstation is installed. Mindcraft and Fortnite have high jacked our teens. For the purposes of this blog, I will be discussing violent video games. I would also like to recognize that some teens play video games here and there but do not spend a great deal of time. I am going to discuss the group of kids that LOVE to play video games and would do so all day and night if they could.

Now most teenagers do not want to hang out with their parents, I get that. I did not have dreams of my son and I skipping in the park or playing board games. However, I have watched my boys try to skip meals because they would rather keep playing. Some people are calling it an addiction, some people are saying it is normal teenage antics and some people are even saying it makes kids smarter! There is a lot of information out there and it is hard to sift through.

There are many people with PhD’s doing studies but that does not help me speak to my son who does not understand why we are concerned about his gaming. They do not help me deal with the anger of a pubescent boy who has had the only thing he cares about taken away. Then you have a kid that has nothing to do but watch TV because all his friends are online. The kids all play together and talk to each other on their headphone microphones. The social structure for these kids has completely changed to playing online with friends. Kids do not meet to hang out like they did when I was young.

Video games and kids: The Cons

Being attached to a video screen as much as a parent will allow seems really dreary and boring to us. I look back on my teen years with such fond memories of tandem biking with my friend, drinking slurpees and roller blading, binge watching rented movies, sleepovers and even talking on the phone for hours. Sitting in one spot does not interest me at all but it does our kids.

The violence in many video games is the biggest concern. Will our kids be less sensitive to violence in real life because they are participating in violence online every day? Will the violence they watch create more aggressive reactions to life? Does wanting to shoot and kill things constantly effect their brain development, their expectations and goals?

If kids are in their own rooms, playing video games as much as they can, then they are not choosing to study or participate in sports or social events. Now many kids have full expectations of studying or watching a movie with their sibling, but the problem is when it comes down to it, if given a choice, many kids choose to keep playing. Once they start, they do not want to stop. I know many kids that have stopped playing organized sports because they would rather play video games. The complaint is that video games are creating kids with failing grades and failing health. Kids are not meeting to play road hockey or ride their bikes and get the exercise they need to be healthy. They are no longer playing soccer or hockey and required studying or possibly even doing their homework.

All of the above upsets me but the behavior I witness with my son is the worst. When these kids get together online there is a group behavior of yelling at each other through the microphone. There is swearing, yelling and very poor behavior. It concerns me that this whole group of children thinks it is appropriate to treat each other this way. It also concerns me that my other children are hearing this behavior because the yelling is so loud. Lastly, I just plain get annoyed by hearing it. Hanging out with friends, learning what to say and what not to say are important for social skills. Listening to 8-year old’s talk at the park can make you cringe as they can be really awkward. You learn social skills by being social in social situations and this group of kids is not doing that as the conversation is just about the game.

Research is beginning to show that video games are addictive. Many parents believe this after taking video games away from their child. I have seen colossal melt downs that rival a scene in the Exorcist. A family doctor told me that the more extreme the reaction to video games being taken away, the more that child might have a problem with addiction. It is theorized that video games give kids a rush like people get when they gamble or do drugs. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain, which is primarily associated with feelings of pleasure, motivation and can affect mood. Some doctors/researchers believe that dopamine levels can change so much that the children become addicted like they would be to the rush of drugs or gambling. The only answer to addiction is to take it away. An alcoholic gives up alcohol, a gambler gives up gambling and a drug user will give up narcotics to conquer their addiction.

Video games and kids: The Pros

There are a group of people who disagree that video games are addictive and actually argue that they might teach kids valuable skills. No one can argue that kids learn hand-eye coordination, fine motor skills and spatial skills playing video games. Gamers reaction times are quick, and they are multitasking while playing. Some argue that kids are learning concentration skills and improving memory through playing.

When playing Fortnite, kids learn directions such as North and South. Kids need to map where their opposition is and where they have been. In order to stay alive in Fortnite, kids need to learn problem solving, planning and logic. For example, a kid might have to keep himself alive and plan an attack against 4 other people without killing his buddy. When there is a large fight, gamers have to choose if they engage in the fight to get “kills” and “loot” or not to engage because there is a high probability that you would be eliminated, be put in a bad position or get trapped and eliminated. Although I hope my son does not need to make a decision about life or death, I can appreciate that he is learning problem solving skills.

Although there is the argument that video games are not helping kids with social skills, some say the opposite. Some argue that because many games are played on teams, kids (and adults) have to work together to complete the game. This allows some kids to have a group of friends to play with that they might not have at school. This engagement might give them feelings of belonging to a social group or confidence that they can’t get in other situations. It might even make kids more tolerant of different types of people.

I asked my son Jack what he thinks the advantages of video gaming are. The first thing he said was it was very social. Jack said that because you play Fortnite in groups, you need to learn to get along with a variety of people including “angry people”. Within these groups, you need to use teamwork to get the job done and you need to strategize and learn how to handle situations with difficult people.  Jack also feels like he has some positive role models within the streaming world. Well known and profitable streaming gamers encourage young kids to believe in themselves and to follow a path where they do something they love. Jack says that some of his mentors donate a considerable amount of their earnings to charity and like to help younger people achieve their dreams. His last point will be controversial. Jack believes that playing Fortnite helps him let go of negative emotions such as anger and frustration. He says it helps him release negative feelings. He sees this as “very therapeutic”. It could be argued that he can only deal with emotions by distracting himself in the game or making oneself numb.

I asked myself what I think might be an advantage of gaming and the first thing I thought of was learning tech skills. Jack has learned a great deal about technology since he started playing online. I can also appreciate that if he is in his room playing his games that he is not out drinking or getting into trouble. Some of the craziest teen moments I have every heard about happened when teens got bored. To be honest, Jack is so loud when he is playing, I can tell when he is in my house and safe.

There is also a rebuttal to the video games and addiction situation. In the book Moral Combat: Why the War on Violent Video Games Is Wrong by Patrick Markey and Christopher Ferguson, it is argued that video gaming changes dopamine levels in the brain to about the same degree that eating a slice of pepperoni pizza or dish of ice cream does (without the calories).  All things pleasurable raise dopamine levels, they say video games raise dopamine levels to roughly double it’s normal resting level, whereas drugs like heroin, cocaine, or amphetamine raise dopamine by roughly ten times that much.

Video Games and kids: The Third View

In all major changes in history, there has been a group of people opposed. Let’s face it, change is not always appreciated and is openly fought. I went to a lecture where the speaker once compared video games to the Beatles. The speaker said that the parents of the kids in love with the Beatles felt like they were devil music. Parents thought that the Beatles were corrupting their children. Parents worried about their long hair and their moral values. Elvis Presley shook his hips and also caused an uproar. There were groups of people against women voting or wearing pants. Could this be the next big change for teens? Are parents over-reacting to video gaming? If we push against it, will it make kids want to play even more? This is an interesting viewpoint. I have thought about this a lot,

Video Games and Kids: What can we do?

So now that we have discussed the pros and cons of gaming, what do we do? I feel a little lost. For years, we have changed the Wi-Fi code at the kid’s bedtime each evening. This would prevent them from using the internet when they were supposed to be sleeping and allowed us to take it away from a child that had made a mistake and needed a consequence. When the kids had done their homework, done their chores and we felt they were in their screen time limits, we could give them the days password. Our rule of thumb was 2 hours a day of any technology if time allowed. Many parents have house rules, when screen time is allowed and not allowed and when it can be taken away. It seems like the responsible way to keep our kids from becoming addicted. The down side of this is kids do not learn how to prioritize their homework, how to manage their own time or to make good choices as we are doing it for them.

I feel like video games and kids are going to be an issue for a very long time and the debate will continue for many years. What does your family do with gaming time? I would love to hear your opinions and solutions.

Your beautiful, sweet snuggly baby turns one years old and everything seems amazing. Suddenly one day, the unimaginable happens, a noise you have never heard before erupts from you sweet baby’s mouth. There might be throwing, hitting or even more horrible noises. The first temper tantrum has arrived. Here are some tips on dealing with temper tantrums.

The temper tantrum has many forms. There is the shrieking because they want something. There is the full throw yourself to the ground and scream and there is the sheer anger meltdown which often involves hitting or throwing. I had one kid that would vomit. I feel like there is an endless variety of the temper tantrums to delight you through out your parenting experience. I also find we block these out like the pain of childbirth. Why would a mom want another baby if she remembered the pain of childbirth or the agony of temper tantrums? Our mind buries these experiences while the baby crazy brain takes over.

Temper Tantrums: What can you do?

The first thing that I have learned with my experiences is how to avoid temper tantrums. Always keeping your kids from getting over tired is impossible but you can try your best to avoid missing naps. I also have kids that get “hangry” so making sure you have nutritious snacks to fuel their little bodies when you are not at home is really important. Jack is 14 now and so I do not carry around snacks for him but he looked in my purse the other day and exclaimed “Mom, the good snacks! You have your purse full of snacks again! I remember that”. Purse snacks and car snacks were my life for about 8 years. I have loaded up the giant purse once again. Keeping triggers away is also helpful. If you know your little is going to want your older child’s sucker he got at preschool, then have him eat it at nap time or in another room. Put things away that they are not allowed to touch and so on.

No matter what you do, a temper tantrum will happen. When it does, it is best to have a plan. Plans always make me feel better.  This is where you have to put your big girl panties on and take a deep breath. Your job is to be calm, to be in control and to make sure your little is safe. Do not give in! Even when you are in a restaurant and don’t want to make a scene, don’t give in. They figure this out and will rule your world. If you need to remove the child from the public space, that is fine but you need to stay strong. This is where I went wrong, if my child pointed and shrieked for something in public, I would I give in to not disturb others. I regret this.

Once the temper tantrum begins you have to follow your plan. Now with my first one, he had to let his emotions out. He needed to scream and yell to feel better. It was best to just walk away and come back. With my daughter, distraction was the best way. If I walked away she would vomit and them I had to clean it up. It was a lot easier to find a snack, a favourite game to distract her or even move to another room. Distraction did not work with my son. You need to find what works for your little and then be consistent.

Then there is the exit strategy! If you are lucky, your little will start their tantrum and then at some point realize it is not working, stop and just move on. As I mentioned before, my daughter would scream until she threw up. That was her exit strategy, then she would stop yelling. My son had some pride issues! In the midst of his tantrum, which could last about 45 minutes sometimes, he would not know how to just stop and move on. Did he think that the transition would make him look less committed to his tantrum? I have no idea. He was stubborn enough not to give in. My plan, was to wait until his emotions seemed to be less intense and them go hold him. He would not stop until I wrapped him up in a forced hug. Don’t you wish each child came with instructions? You have to play around to see what works with each child. I have a friend who starts to laugh at her little and eventually she will stop yelling and laugh too. Whatever works!

Hazard! Family members that think they are helping can make temper tantrums worse. Do you have a very sensitive older kid or a well meaning mother in law that is around a lot? Sometimes, other family members hate to see a child in distress and give in to what they want to help get them to stop screaming. It is not intended to undermine your authority but unfortunately, littles are smart and when they get what they want from others, they can double down with effort to see if you will cave. Do your best to explain to family why you are doing what you are doing.

Not going to make it? I had two things that I had to do to help me stay calm and stick to my plan when I was losing my calm. The first was the mommy time out. If I was starting to lose it I would calmly say to my child that mommy will be back but she needs a quick time out. I could then go to another room to collect myself. They might cry harder when you leave but if they are safe, it is better to leave them then to lose your temper and have your own tantrum. The second trick was music and headphones. Ten minutes of a temper tantrum can feel like forever. When Jack would scream and yell until he got it out, sometimes I would start to go crazy about 15 minutes in. If I really could not handle it, I would put on my headphones and listen to music to give my mind a break. I always made sure I could see what was happening for safety but atleast I could regroup my thoughts.

Some kids have a handful of temper tantrums and some have several each day. Regardless of frequency, they really suck. This is why I started to drink wine. As the child was writhing on the floor and doing their best to upset you, I got through by thinking of wine time. When the kids went to bed, I was rewarded with a glass of wine. Literally, this thought got me through many a day. You might not like alcohol so treat yourself to a bath, or a piece of chocolate or some chips. When toddlers get tough, it is important to have something to look forward to and to reward yourself for surviving the day. After all, you deserve it!

What did you do to survive your temper tantrums? I would love to hear in comments or in a message! Lets help each other out!